I will always be your little girl *sob*

Tonight’s episode in Primetime of Pinoy Big Brother Teen Edition made me cry.

The girl who came from a broken family, Linda was the main ‘story’. It’s his father’s, who is a Norweigian, birthday. Linda’s filipina mom and her dad aren’t in good terms anymore. But Linda and her dad still has communication and in fact her dad still gives a little portion of the money he gets from the gov’t. They haven’t seen each other for the last 3 years, and you can really see how they miss each other.

What Kuya did was he brought Linda’s dad, Hans here in the Philippines. Kuya brought Linda’s dad to the PBB House. Kuya, first, made Linda go to the confession room where a laptop is available to talk and see her dad. She didn’t know that her dad was just somewhere near the house. She sang Avril’s When You’re Gone. Kuya asked Linda to sleep early. Little did she know Kuya’s cooking something for her. A little while later, Kuya asked Beauty and Rona to fetch Linda’s dad in the storage room. They accompanied Linda’s dad to the girl’s room where Linda’s currently sleeping.

Then, Linda’s dad tickled Linda’s toes. A very sentimental gesture that her dad does to her. It took awhile before she was awaken, and she was a little shocked to see her dad in flesh. When she saw her dad, it wasn’t really that heart melting because her reaction looks like she couldn’t believe what she saw. She hugged her dad after awhile, maybe that’s when she realized that its true, her father is really there. They got to spend dinner together and the girls prepared a bed for the two in the living room, so that they could spend more time together.

It was kind of a very touching moment for me, when after 3 years they finally see each other. Linda’s letter, the one that she wrote before she sleep, made me teary eyed too. Especially the part when she said that “she’ll always be his little girl” Something like that, I forgot what was the exact lines that she said. But it really tore my heart into tiny pieces.

Why did I feel this way all of a sudden?

I don’t know if any of you knows about this, but you know, my real dad, my Papa is in the California. And I haven’t seen him for the past 17 years. We used to have communication but suddenly he stopped communicating with me (the last time I received an email from him was last October 2005). I don’t know why. But up until last January, every single month, I email him. But I don’t receive any reply. Just one email, it will make my day. I know that he still uses that email, coz one time I sent a message to him, there was an auto-reply saying that he was out of the office. So, I’m quite sure he still use it.

Summer, May 2006, I went to California. I was able to contact my dad’s sister. I was able to meet her and my lola Fe. I got to spend time with them one whole afternoon before I go back here. BUT I wasn’t able to see him. I don’t know why. My aunt just told me that he isn’t ready. I don’t why know. That’s my one and only chance to see him. But I didn’t get to. That’s why, up until now, there’s still WHY’s that are running in my mind.

Of course, what do you think I would feel, I was so sad that I wasn’t able to see my Papa. One of the reasons why I wanted to go to California was to see him. He was so near yet he was sooooo far from me. It really tore my heart. But then, I can’t do anything about it. I just have to move on. Maybe one day, he will be the one to come to me.

I was pretty hopeful from the moment I rode the airplane 2 summers ago, going back to this very hot country, that one day, he will be the one to come to me.

Before the year ’07 ends, my niece, Sakki told me that my aunt and lolo fe were here. My kuya (Sakki’s dad), gave me their contact number. I was trying to contact them and was trying to meet up with them. I just learned that they were here a day or two before they go back to Cali. Imagine, I was in Lipa when I learned about that, and I was really really willing to commute all the way back to Manila just to meet them. But my aunt said that they were busy and stuff, and they will just call me if they could squish me in. I called again to ask if I could talk to my lola, just satisfying myself with just hearing my lola’s voice. PINAGKAIT PA NILA. Anyway, they left without hearing from them, without receiving even just a text from them. Ang sakit diba? Yung pinagkaitan ka. Yun na lang hinihingi ko eh.

Anyway, from then on, I stopped emailing my Papa. Maybe that’s what he wants, they want. Hindi ko naman kasi siya ginugulo eh, wala naman akong hinihingi sa kanya, kahit sustento hindi ko hinihingi. Kahit dapat naman niya talaga yung ibigay sa akin. Hindi ko nga alam kung gusto ng Papa ko yun eh, or gusto nila na yun ang gawin ng papa ko. Gusto ko lang ng constant communication with my Papa. Yun lang yung gusto ko nun eh, yung may nakikwentuhan ako ng ginagawa ko. I may not email him everyday, but hindi natatapos ang isang linggo ng wala akong email sa kanya. Alam ko may sarili na siyang pamilya dun, may pamilya na rin ang mommy ko dito. Pero hindi naman kami nakakagulo sa kanya. Tanggap nga nila dun ang kuya ko, pero bakit ako hindi? I know tanggap nila ako, tanggap na tanggap nila ako. baby girl nila ako dati eh. Nun nandun ako sa bahay ng aunt ko, may mga pictures din ako nun bata pa ako na naka display, with the pictures of my cousins. Di ko lang talaga magets kung ano yun. Kung bakit ganun. Yun lang talaga ang hindi ko maintindihan.

Dahil sa galit ko sa mga nangyari, ngayong taon ko lang hindi binati ang Papa ko nun kaarawan niya. Nag-back off ako. Hindi na ako nakipag communicate sa side ng family nila. Other than constantly chatting with my niece and some texts with my kuya. Sila na lang ang nakakausap ko or kinakausap ko.

Anyway, because of this PBBTE Episode, i secretly cried. I didn’t cry literally because my mom is right beside me. I didn’t want her to see me cry because of that. But my heart is really really really crying. It is. until now. My eyes are filled with tears that I don’t want to flow.

This is just a very long dramatic blog of mine. And can I just say, ito ang blog na makapagbagdamdamin Ito. Ito. Ito.

I just want to say to my papa, that even if things went this way,

I’ll always be your little girl. ALWAYS!

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